****Disclaimer**** This is written in the form of my train of thought which is a bit crazy, but I think it illustrates my point in the best possible way.
Before I had kids I always said that I wanted four, and I knew exactly how I was going to do it. I would have the first two close together, while I was in my early to mid 20’s, about 2.5 years apart. Ed and I were married when I was 23, and I was pregnant with Eddie soon after I turned 24, right on schedule. I was 25 when he was born. As it happened, Caitlyn came along when Eddie was just 19 months old, but it was close enough to “the plan” for me. I was 26 at the time.
Part two of the master plan involved having babies 3 and 4 in my early 30’s. Baby one and two would be safely off to kindergarten and beyond, eliminating previous childcare costs and it would be like starting over again. It would be perfect. Right?
Then Caitlyn turned 2 and my drive for baby making once again went in to overdrive. OVERDRIVE! But only some of the time. I go back and forth between 2 extremes…the first being MUST MAKE MORE BABIES!! NOW!!! and the other being I can never have any more children. EVER! Two is MORE THAN ENOUGH! I’m using caps to stress how strong the emotions are. And there’s never an in between----I either want them or I don’t on any given day.
I want more kids more often than I don’t though.
I’ll be 29 in 2 weeks. (oh my gawd, TWENTY NINE, barf) All this does is focus me on the fact that soon I’ll be 30. (soon I’ll be 30, I don’t want to be 30……I’ve got some big plans could well have some big hands… [bonus points to anyone who gets that reference (besides my mother)]) {Am I a parentheses genius or what?----no, I’m pretty annoying----I digress} Part of me says “wait until after you are 30 to get pregnant because you can get trashed and forget you are turning 30 for like two weeks!” (Because that is responsible behavior) “Or take a vacation with your best friend to celebrate!” The other part says “probably being pregnant when you are 30 will be a terrific diversion to the fact that you are turning 30. THIRTY!!”
On a completely off the wall side note---I vividly remember my mother turning 30. She was given Oil of Olay, for her wrinkles, because she was old……30. I will knock anyone’s block off who gives me Oil of Olay.
In any case, I anticipate having baby #3 sooner than later. For one, we use no reliable and consistent birth control. The pill makes me feel like ass. And the desire to have another baby completely overwhelms me most of the time. But also, I don’t know. The thought of having these older kids who do their own thing and go to school while I spend all of my time with a baby makes me kind of sad. What if I neglect them because they really don’t need so much attention? The nice thing about having Eddie and Cait so close was that Eddie was so young he still needed a ton of attention. It forced me to be able to balance them and attend to both of their needs almost seamlessly. Maybe this is an irrational fear because I know that I thought I could never love Caitlyn like I love Eddie……and I don’t love them the same because they are totally different kids….but they do share my love equally….you know? Swistle seems to be doing a great job with the balancing of older and younger children, and she has 5 kids (FIVE KIDS) and that reassures me a bit.
In the end what will be, will be and I’m sure that I’ll have a different perspective on the situation once I’m in it. And maybe, just maybe, I need to be in the situation to put it in the right perspective. Until that time though, I’ll put up with the daily freak outs and questioning every aspect of what could possibly be as well as continue with the “third baby envy” of No Whey Mamaand Devan which has pretty much sent me over the edge.
I’ll also count my blessings though because I have to two most amazing and perfect kiddos in the world and if I never had another baby I’d still be the luckiest girl in the world.
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9 comments:
Hmm, you have a good plan. Very smart. I had never thought about it in quite that way.
I want another baby, too, but I think just one more might be enough for me. I would like to have a girl, but knowing my luck, it would be three boys for me! I actually don't want to have any after I am 30. But, having said that, I didn't want to have any more after the Jelly Bean was born either. So, it just goes to show you that life can change your mind.
But Oi. The childcare costs. And how do you fit all those kids in a 3 bedroom house...Let me know if you find out the answers.
I loved this post soooooo much.
It's fun to have a set of older and a set of younger, because they need different kinds of attention and that makes the parenting job more interesting. Paul will work with Rob and William on math puzzles, and then he plays roughhouse with the twins; then Legos with the bigger kids and ride-around-on-Daddy's-back with the littlers. I enjoy the way sometimes I'm snuggling a wee baby, sometimes I'm hearing the funny things toddlers say, and sometimes I'm having conversations about ethics and social customs ("Is it wrong to steal if you're starving?" and "Why do people wear fancy clothes to funerals?"--that kind of thing) with older kids.
I think the nice thing about these decisions is that you're right no matter what you choose. Two kids is great. Three kids is great. Four kids is great. Great in different ways. Same with spacings: they're all great, in different ways. (Or they all suck equally, depending on what day you ask me!)
Well, I never had a plan (other than that I knew I wanted more than ONE child), but maybe I should have. One thing I didn't take into account is that there are definitely BETTER and WORSE times for me to be out on maternity leave at work. But you have to think that stuff through pretty far in advance to make it worse. Also: daycare costs. I like your "older set and younger set" for that reason alone.
Our 4-year, two-year spacing was not planned at all, but I guess it will work for us because, what's the alternative? Also, I'm a little panicked about the part of my brain that is thinking about a possible #4 because, hello! Still pregnant with #3, genius! Maybe the newborn daze will wash those feelings away.
Love your header photo!
I think this was well said. I've thought about putting my feelings of these matters into a blog post, but everytime I think about it it seems overwhelming. I don't really know what exactly I want or when. And then my mind goes bazerk just thinking about it all. But you put it very nicely here.
Lately I've been thinking, no matter when more babies come it will just work. I'm ready for another one now, but my husband is not quite yet. If there was a 5 year age gap, that would be ok too. It would just have you be...you know. And I thought I wanted to have all my babies before I was 30, but the closer I get to 30 the more I think what's wrong with 30. I can still have babies then too. ;) See, crazy thought train. I just don't know what I want.
And I too get a teensy bit jealous everytime someone else says they're expecting. I think about me not even expecting a second child yet, and they are expecting their 3rd, or 4th, or whatever the case may be. Boy this is an interesting time of our lives, is it not?
OK, YOU started it. That topic that I can't POSSIBLY discuss on my own blog because family/friends read it (why, oh why, didn't I start an anonymous blog instead of a "keep in touch with long distance family/friends" blog?)
Anyway, hubby and I had a vague plan, and it did change a bit as the years went on. Kids before 30; 2, but hopefully 4. Ideally, two-year spacing (BTW: LOVE your plan--so smart!). Well, I had the third at 32, and there are THREE years between her and her brother, but I got over that change in plan pretty quickly. But now I'm a bit sad because hubby BACKED OUT on the second part of the deal. I was all set for four, but he is now insisting that we are done at three. I'm trying VERY HARD to be OK with this since we have three very lovely kids, and I'm now two months shy of the big 35. 35! I can't handle it! And even if we did have another right now, there would be four years spacing--more than I really wanted. But there is not ONE DAY that goes by that I didn't wish I were having another. And I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
(And fitting three kids in a three bedroom is a piece of cake. There will ALWAYS be at least two of a kind to share a room! Or you could do like us and continue to slack on decorating one of the bedrooms and end up stuck wih a toddler sharing YOUR room for a year. Hey, whatever!)
(And I kept daycare costs down by using an at-home provider. I was lucky and found the most wonderful, most reasonable, best mom-substitute around. Not everyone has that luck, I know. But I paid for three kids what most folks I know who use centers pay for two. And did I mention how wonderful she is? Anyway, you might get lucky if you start looking around.... Not that I'm bagging centers, mind. I just got lucky. Still HALF of my net pay, though....)
OK, I really did ramble here. But I can't discuss this enough. And probably should set up a second anonymous blog so that I CAN and don't have to hog up other people's comment sections. Anyway, I can understand your plight, and I'm intrigued to see what happens....
(And I STILL haven't reminded MY husband to make that appointment for that surgery.... heh, heh, heh. Maybe I can still convince him to change his mind.)
Did you see that pig fly by?
i find it interesting that you're so focused on '30'. 30 didn't bother me at all... it was just another birthday, another year gone by, and the gag gifts i got didn't bother me at all.
"40" was a different story. i dreaded it and was depressed and mortified that i was turning 40! then, one month before my birthday, i read in the paper that one of my dearest high school friends had died in brussels, belgium. she was one month shy of her 40th birthday. it put everything in perspective for me. i was going to be forty, but she was gone. my kids were healthy and alive, my husband was alive...... and being alive and forty was better than being dead.
Moxy Frovous RULES!!!
I don't have any kids and I turn 30 in 1 day :S
!@#$%^**))*
I also don't have a boyfriend, husband or any kind of man figure in my life.
Nor do I have my own home.
I do however have a job.
Where is the closest bridge to jump from?
Paprika xxx
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